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OMGPD: Jail Cell Design, Wrath of God

Take a look at some of the more compelling police reports from around the state. An arrest does not indicate a conviction.

Man ‘Decorates’ Jail Cell

One arrestee took a page from Martha Stewart’s book when he decided to do some redecorating in his jail cell. Police arrested the 54-year-old North Kingstown man on charges of disorderly conduct after he allegedly began yelling obscenities at his neighbor’s trailer while under the influence. While in his cell at the police station, police noticed that the man had discovered a new use for toilet paper as he was hanging it from the cell bars in an attempt to prevent the surveillance camera from seeing him. Though police removed the toilet paper from his cell, the man found an alternative – his blanket. After police took the blanket away, the man then used his pants to cover the cell bars. At that point, police confiscated the man’s pants – and shirt for good measure.

The Threat of Divine Intervention

South Kingstown police had quite a time trying to process a 42-year-old man after his drunken driving arrest this past week. According to reports, the man smelled strongly of alcohol and was slurring his words so much that his arresting officer couldn’t understand him. Police were able to ascertain a few bits of dialogue from the man, however, as he allegedly pleaded with officers to let him go and said, “Look, we know I’ve been drinking but I’m not a bad man. You are making me out to be a bad man.” On the way to police headquarters, the man also allegedly told police, “I’m a church-going man, I go to ****ing school. God is gonna take care of you.” Not intimidated by the wrath of God, police continued with the arrest and brought the man in to be processed. Due to the man’s erratic behavior and lack of cooperation, officers were unable to complete his booking until almost nine hours later.

We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together

We’re sure Taylor Swift’s latest song is resonating with one Woonsocket woman this week. According to reports, she and her ex-husband were attempting to rekindle their relationship when things went downhill. The ex-wife told police that the man arrived at her home around 4 a.m. to talk. The man then allegedly became violent when she refused to let him take their daughter from the apartment, because it was late and the man was homeless. According to reports, the man allegedly put his ex-wife in a leg hold around her neck. He was charged with assault.

Unwrapped in the Candy Aisle

It seems that Hershey’s candy has a stimulating effect on one Newport man. According to reports, a 49-year-old man entered a 7-Eleven in Newport and asked the clerk where the Hershey’s bars were located. As the man made his way down the aisle, the clerk realized the man’s private area was exposed. According to police, the man “made no effort to cover himself” as he walked back toward her. Police found the man, who reportedly appeared to be drunk, outside the store. This is the man’s second indecent exposure charge, according to reports.

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